a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
