worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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