She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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