I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Operation Purity has been aborted
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
