You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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