Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
