Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
