dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
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Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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