i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
