She said her name was "party"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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