Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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