I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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