How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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