That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
