it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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