I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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