There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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