I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
