Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I am one with the molecules
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
