Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
