the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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