the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
