Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
