my phone needs a breathalizer
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
