I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize