spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
