So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
