I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
last night I used snow as a chaser
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