i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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