yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
