He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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