he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
