He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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