You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
