My sheets look like a crime scene.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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