I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
