Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
