There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
