I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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