just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
