She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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