We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
