My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
