I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
