My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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