so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
