first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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