And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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