She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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