its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
