walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
