Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
