If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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