You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
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I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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