The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
