How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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