He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
