sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
