She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
