my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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