the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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